WARNING: LATE NIGHT RAMBLES AHEAD.
It's 1:46 am on this Saturday night, and though I am exhausted from staying up late to complete an evaluation for work, I just had to pay my little space on the web a visit. I needed to write!
Life has changed so much since I last wrote. All of our world is basically standing still with the new pandemic that is COVID-19. We are all self-quarantining and staying home with questions and unknowns swirling in our brains. Even before all of that happened, my own little world changed when my father in law became sick. Thankfully, he is doing better every day, but for awhile, it was really scary. If I've learned anything lately, it's that we can't plan for anything. Tomorrow is not promised, & appreciate every second God gives us to live without cares or worries.
But, that last part happens to be my biggest struggle.
I feel guilty for writing about my self today with everything that is going on, but I have all these thoughts that I just want to get out.
As a mom, I've been struggling a lot lately with getting everything done. Don't get me started on how guilty I feel for complaining over ANYTHING when the world is in the shape it's in. And so many others have *real* problems. I acknowledge that. And many times I shame myself for these thoughts. BUT, it doesn't change the fact that this is weighing heavy on my heart + mind.
And this is my space...it's not Facebook-so, if I'm not exercising the stress away, I'm writing it away. Those two things are my medicine.
It's just how I deal.❤️
I won't sugar coat it. I feel like a failure most of the time. While you probably wouldn't know it from knowing me, I am somewhat of a perfectionist. I strive after it, anyway.
I swear I think at the time I took this picture to create a visual for myself to CHILL.
This was an "I'm about to lose my mind everything is crazy moment."
I want a clean, organized house. I want to be present with my kids. I want to be in the best shape I can be physically and mentally. I want to be the best wife, make time to always grow our relationship & make sure he has a warm meal when he comes home from work. I want to help contribute financially and be the best speech therapist I can be (And, if I do my job right, let's be realistic-this basically takes up all of my productive hours). I want to be spiritually fed and wake up early to squeeze in my workout, prayer, and reading my bible. "Quiet time" as I like to call it. Oh, and I basically breastfeed Baker 23 hours a day and she has decided she c a n n o t be laid down for a second. Give the kids a bath. And then there is the dog. And my sister (whom is my right hand, and I don't know what I'd do without her). And my friends. And our family and making sure I stay in touch with them. And...feeding the boys 34,232 snacks. Get groceries, plan all the meals. I want to at least look presentable and put together. And that is not an easy task y'all! (Hello frizzy hair, dark eye circles, and legs that need shaved every 10 minutes😂). Yikes.
I've found my anxiety over perfection has gotten worse as I age. And I think my list of things I want perfect keeps growing and changing. New things are becoming evident to me that never have before. I'm finding new things to worry about that I really have no control over.
I want to scream sometimes because I feel like I'm letting everyone down & I literally can't do ONE thing to change it. I'm powerless. Is it everyone though, or just me? And let's take that even further-what does God think about all of this?
In spite of stressing myself out and you (if you're still reading-bless your soul) -I've come to hear God saying...Cassidy, you have to think of what is most important. Focus on that. There will be a time in your life when you can do more, but right now, in this season, find rest in the important things you'll never get back.
I kind of want to ignore him, because, I'm over here thinking:
God, do you know what people will think of me if they walk into a messy house? Or see me without makeup and my hair fixed? Do you know how crazy I feel if I don't have things organized or see clutter collecting?
In the midst of all of this, I want to forgive myself if everything isn't perfect. I need that lady that comes to help Khloe Kardashian just let go of her cleaning obsession. Now, I'm not one to watch KUWTK, but my sister has been lately, and the episode where she is crawling around on her hands and knees cleaning? That's me when I have one second to be "productive." I'm that nuts, y'all. But, who am I kidding-I can't afford help like that. SO. I'm working on training myself. 😂
I shared all that to say, I feel like God has laid it on my heart to try simplifying my life in order to enjoy it again. I'll never be perfect. And I have to quit trying or else, I am always going to be in a bad, stressful mood. And I definitely don't want my family to think of me that way. I don't have to buy all the things I think I need to buy or do all the things I think I need to do in order to have a good life. Project simplify. Here's to that new journey in spite of all that's going on in the world today.
Maybe someday over the next week, I'll do a post more relevant to everything else...but for tonight, it was lifting that heavy weight off my heart and pouring it out on this screen.
Come to me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
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