My First, My Next, My Last || My Purpose

When I was a little girl, I had big dreams for myself (as any little girl does, right?).

I wanted to be an olympic gymnast, a ballerina, a movie star...you know the saying-if you can dream it you can be it.  I carelessly & truly embraced those words for a really long time.

As I got older, naturally my little girl dreams slipped away & nothing really took the place of those dreams.  Reality sat in & in walked the responsibility of adulting as they call it these days!

I'm not going to lie, I almost felt lost as to what my purpose was after high school ended.  Who I was made to be, or what I was supposed to be doing.  How would I be special?  I kept trucking through life in a fog, unsure, but I've always thought-if I'm still here, God's not done with me yet.  

Maybe you can relate to the lyrics of this song I sang as a kid in church?

He's still working on me.

To make me what I ought to be.  

It took him just a week to make the moon, & the stars,

the sun & the earth, & Jupiter & Mars.

But I'll be perfect just according to his plan,

fashioned by the masters loving hands.

As I was nearing the end of college, I knew God was still working though things weren't always clear.    I didn't always know what I wanted to do or where I was supposed to be, but I did have an inkling of who I was supposed to be with.  And that was the beginning of God's special plan for me.  God blessed me with marriage at the age of 20.  He gave me a best friend -a life partner & I am forever grateful.  We were young, naive, & yes it could have went terribly wrong. But, God looked after us & still does to this day.  Could it have all ended there (my purpose, not marriage lol) & I'd have been perfectly happy?  I absolutely think so.  I didn't know what having children was like.  I knew I'd like to have some one day, just because, that's what you did right?  Got a job, got married, had kids.

The American Dream.

As I was in my last year of grad school, enjoying early marriage, gradually trying to get the adult life down, things took a crazy turn.  An unplanned turn.

We found out, after only three years of marriage, I was pregnant.

Something that hadn't even really came into conversation yet, because I hadn't even finished school!

I didn't even have a job!

Lots of emotions, lots of questions as to how we would make this work, but not only did God see us through, he was about to show me something more precious than I could ever imagine.

Even wilder than being a ballerina, an olympic gymnast, or anything else this world could offer.

Being a mama.

The minute Cam came in to this world, my purpose became clear to me.   

I remember the way I looked at my mama all the years before & still do to this day, & realized-that's me now.  That's what I am to this little boy-for the rest of his and my life, I'll always be.  The emotions of that recognition, to that understanding, is like no other I have ever experienced before.  It's like I finally figured out what I was made for.  

About a year and a half went by & we found out we were expecting Conley.

Submerged with purpose & excited to have not one but TWO little lives depending on us-I just can't explain it.  That's how I felt.  I had already began to feel the bittersweetness of watching Cam grow at warp speed, so having another baby around was a very welcoming thought.  I was learning, you never really know or understand the true meaning of "life is like a vapor" until you have your own kids to measure the speed of time with. Watching them grow, being there for it all & having my own family-I just can't put into words the joy Jesus has given me in those moments.  

I wouldn't take anything for any of it & sometimes, the swiftness of it all can be an overwhelming emotion.

Now here I am, 6 and a half years later, with two little boys & hours/days away from meeting our little girl.  Our last baby & though I questioned if I'd ever let myself feel it- I have a sense of completion.  Cam is in the FIRST grade, Conley will be starting preschool next fall (we are gradually planning on getting him into a mothers day out program after baby) & one last newborn.  With each stage, my heart jumps for joy & aches for one more day when they themselves were newborns.

The minute I had Cam, I knew I wanted three.  I'm not sure how, it was just the number of completion to me.  And what a blessing it is for that dream to come true!

The smell of that soft baby skin, those first smiles, those tiny little clothes, & the way they can lay in your arms all day as if there is no other place they'd rather be...all the little odd & ends you just know you'll need to get them through the first year-though fleeting & fast, have to some day come to an end.  I plan to embrace every second of that one more time.  And as she grows, I plan to embrace that too.  Just as I have with my boys, realizing that those moments are just as special & just as important.  Sure, they may not need me as much as they once did each year as they grow.  But I've seen that with every season is something special.  Something to be celebrated.

I feel like this post is all. over. the. place.  But, it's one I knew I'd always want to make sure to do.

Maybe you are like I was, & in a time in your life where things don't make sense.
Your own life doesn't feel like it's being used or has purpose.
I encourage you to keep looking up & trusting in Him!  It may take longer than you hope, but if you are alive you have a very special purpose God has always had in mind for you.

Maybe God's plan for your life isn't to be a mom or dad.

Maybe it's something you could never imagine in your wildest dreams.
Something you've never thought of.  Or maybe something you have thought of, but have yet to realize the value or impact it could make on you (as this was in my case).

I don't know, but I know that if you trust Him, he will show you your purpose-and that purpose WILL carry you.  It will carry you through the ups and downs of any situation.

He will bless you with the special role he planned for you before he created the earth.

Dear B,
I am so excited & anxious to finally meet you.  Dreams of you have swirled in my head, heart, & prayers ever since meeting your sweet brothers.  And now, they are coming to life.  As I feel your little feet kick, your arms move, & have witnessed the last 9 months of God knitting life for the last time inside me, I've tried to treasure every second as I plan to when you finally arrive.  The anticipation fuels my desire for it to all be over so I can hold you, but the realization that you are our last, makes me wish for it to all slow down & try to savor every moment as it should be remembered.  Perhaps God blessed me with a daughter so I can witness you find this same purpose, this same calling.  Maybe, maybe not.  Regardless, I count it the best years of my life to watch you & your brothers grow with your daddy.  I pray you all three grow up with the best memories, the best childhood, the best days as you are in our care and though you may leave & not need us as much one day.. may you always come home.  May we always be close.  May you always have Jesus by your side leading the way so that I'll know, even if I'm not there, you are in the BEST hands.
Love you for ever, love you always...my purpose you three will always be.
Mama/Mommy/Mom
(all the names!🤗)

38 weeks

How far along?  38 weeks
Total Weight Gain: 33 lbs
What to wear: Cade's tee shirts at this point😂
Movement:  Holy Toledo.  Does this girl move.  I think she is going to be a spit fire...
Sleep: I'm so sore.  I can barely turn over in bed to go pee at night.  And I do that a lot.  It's pretty hard to sleep.
Best moment this week:  Things are starting to trickle together & what's better is that God kind of put my mind to rest about all that.  See last post.🤗
Miss anything?  Not waddling, getting to jump at the trampoline park😋, sleep, working out.  But, I know this is such a time to savor so all that doesn't matter that much right now.
Cravings:  ICE!  Shaved ice from Pelican's is what dreams are made of.  Frozen key lime pie greek yogurt.
Gender: Sweet baby girl
Looking forward to:  Our baby girl.  She is going to be here so soon.  But also my last days with my last bump and those sweet flutters/baby kicks...bittersweet!

Friday Favorites ||. Keep Calm + Carry On

Literally.  Keep Calm.  And Carry On.

I begrudgingly went to the doc today 

(these five minute dr visits are getting a bit taxing, not going to lie) 

& much to my surprise...

I left with her saying-"let's get this show on the road."

Wait, what?

To recap, basically if I haven't went on my own before October 11, I will be induced on that day!

My due date is October 18, but no one has ever believed I would make it to that day.

They were even open to scheduling next week-since the boys both came naturally at 38 weeks.

But yikes!  Me...not so much.  

I'm literally freaking out over wrapping my head around the fact that it is already time for her to be here.  My last baby.  I am so ready, but all at the same time I am so NOT ready.

Her nursery isn't ready, I don't have my hospital bag packed, I haven't scheduled newborn pictures.
blah blah blah blah blah
 The list is never ending because I choose for it to be.  I have never been such a nesting freak in all my life (and I'm a nesting freak without being pregnant).   I am driving myself & I'm sure my husband, b o n k e r s over things that really don't matter.  I don't think I've ever been this bad wanting everything to be "perfect."

I am saying this in all seriousness. 

It's like Satan is trying to steal my joy, the joy of this moment I've dreamed of for so long & taking my focus off of what really matters.  I know that I am too blessed for this nonsense!  

We've been so i n c r e d i b l y blessed with help in doing what we have done.  I don't want to overlook any of that!

But no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try-

it's like I keep taking things in to my own hands & out of God's & I'm back at square one.  I always hesitate when I share my heart, because, who wants to hear about some silly little insignificant crisis such as this?  I know there are WAY more important issues in other people's lives going on, but this is all the result of my worrisome/never (lightyears away from) perfect but always chasing perfect self.  

Read more about that girl here.  It's actually my testimony.

Let's just be honest.
This world bombards us with all the media outlets: emails, "pins," how to's, checklists, notifications of all the things we need to have done before X.  In my case, at the moment-it's "what needs to be done before baby comes."  It's like they want us to believe that a baby can't nor has never came in to this world without everything in place.  Well, when it boils down to it- that baby has made it nine whole months with nothing but it's mama and God's grace.

As I was sneaking out of Cam's room tonight after getting him to sleep-I looked back one last time as I usually do before pulling his door to & knew I had to come back to snag a picture of the moment.  Yes, of course because -how a d o r a b l e are these two??  But, mostly because I had a moment.  There laid my first born, in a room with all decorations laying on the floor-no paint-a floor full of t-shirts he had earlier slung all over the floor in search for the perfect match...

clean, clothed, healthy, safe, fed, happy, snug as a bug in a rug, sleeping in his own room with his furry best friend.  All was right in his world, & for good reason.

All IS right in his world right now.

And it is in mine, too.

There will be days to come when I'm sure it won't be, but now?

Now IS perfect.

It's not about what we have, but WHO we have & what we do with our time on earth.

I have a brother who I've almost lost a burden for.  I'll just be honest.  Isn't that the most terrible thing I could ever say?  But it's true.  When I allow trivial things to take over, that's what happens.

I'm blindfolded to what really matters.

And here I am worrying over everything being in its place.  I am ashamed, friends.

 Placing too much emphasis on all the wrong things.

Just had to pour my heart out, would you believe I can't sleep?

If you're still reading at this point, I guess what I want to say is-

whether our girl comes by the end of this day, or on October 11th.

I am ready.  Ready without a "finished nursery."  Ready without a hospital bag or all the things I think we "need" before she comes into our world.  Ready without a newborn shoot booked.  

I am ready when God sends her to us.  She is what matters.  Our family is what matters.

How can I not be ready?

And that is all the Friday favorites this mama has today.

Blah.  I'm sure I'll want to delete right after I put publish, but I'm vowing to leave it.

Real life, real feelings, real flaws.  Yep, I even want to remember this part of my story.

Word vomit.  I'm good at that when I blog🙃

XO

When I get so caught up in this world, this song always starts humming in my head & reminds me number one: of how blessed I am, and number two: this earth isn't my home.

Can't help but cry like a baby everytime❤️

This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong Windows and roomsthat I'm passing through This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going...