Second Guessing + Sleepless Nights

Vulnerability.

This post is it.  Occasionally pouring out my heart to strangers, & friends alike, since the day I start this blog.  Totally not me.  Totally not comfortable.  Or what I planned for it to be.  But here we are.

I don't know exactly why I feel compelled to share this...but I don't think I can keep on with this blog until I get all this off my mind & out of my heart.

I am ambitious by default.

My mother has always went at every interest or passion she had or that sparked, full throttle.

Pedal to the metal...sometimes playing the game with no prior knowledge or preparation as to how to win- and what to do should you win or lose.

In some ways I find this quality exciting and a positive distraction from the often daunting journey each dream requires of it's dreamer.  In others, it can be overwhelming, disheartening, & even frustrating when you always have such high hopes for things you start or do... only to allow feelings of defeat overcome you when things don't always go as planned or the way you'd hoped they would.

I find myself chasing after so many things I want to be the best I can be at, all at one time, only to feel like I fail at them all. 

Christ centered & serving.  Motherhood.  Marriage.  Work.  Interests & hobbies.

Maybe it's attributable to "too many irons in the fire?"

Whatever the reason...

It causes me to battle with feelings of inadequacy or quitting everything in one way or another, even if it's for a second or so.  Just to clarify...I say this in regard to motherhood & marriage as in...forget naps-it's too hard to fight the whiny, or forget trying to get my family all under one roof, I'll just learn to deal with the cards we've been given.  Even considering never trying anything new & just doing the expected things every human being is required to do to "exist."
And then I snap out of it & those ambitions set in again.

Don't call a mental health specialist yet, friends...

 although I probably DO need one ~ in no disrespect & all seriousness... Ha!

At least three nights this week I went to sleep (aside from worry about a family member)  determined to quit this blog, wondering how in the world we would "figure out" our lives before Cam goes to Kindergarten next year & how I will deal with how fast my two are growing up on me. 

<<in the midst of all the real problems going on in the world, I know- I eyeroll myself, too>>

Do you ever have weeks like that, though?  It's when faith has to kick in + soul searching with my Heavenly Father comes in to play, to get you through & get out of that funk & figure out how to handle everything gracefully.

Why do I do the things I do?  Why do I devote my time & attention to these things & how do I prioritize their importance in my life?  How can I avoid second guessing + sleepless nights of worry?

Take this blog for example as the most light hearted worry mentioned.  It's not that I think I am going to be a big time blogger that has thousands of followers.  Or that I think I'm an expert in any topic I ramble about.  I genuinely love to write.  I love an outlet to share my family along with creative endeavors as a way to share what I initially wanted to do for a living (interior design) before realizing I had to find something that would help to support a family. 

From this example, I continually worry someone will view my intentions are vain & selfish.

And then I realize, at the end of the day, through the mental battle of whether I should continue or not...who cares?  REALLY.  No one has to read.  No one has to care.  This is my space.  A space where I write about the people & things I love.  I make it into a huge deal & it's not! 

I did all this babbling to say...

Ambition.

Admirable quality or curse, I inherited it.

I wanted to share something real with you.  I love all the light hearted chatter for the most part, but it's not all a highlight reel.

And something in me this week told me I can use my sleepless-second guessing week for the good.  If God knitted the inmost of my being, he knitted this quality of ambition in me, too.  With his guidance + a size of mustard seed faith...I know that I just have to put it all in his hands & put my blinders on to the frustration + doubt I experience along the way.