2020 Me, It's Not Who I Want to Be

 It's okay to feel sad.

If we purpose in our hearts to do anything right now, it should be to be kind to one another.  We never know the battle another is facing.  We all could use the shove to get out of our personal bubbles & better understand what the majority of people are facing.  Unemployment.  Businesses shutting down.  Loss of a family member.  Never being able to leave home due to more shut downs.  Feeling a sense of dishonesty or as though our media is so in control of our beliefs & what we know (no matter what you believe!).  I don't want to get political AT all.  So I'm going to immediately stop there.   Adulting (no to mention being a kid, right?) in this year is HARD. And I want to admit I'm the first one to be selfish & only think of myself.  I've been praying & continue to pray that God would open my eyes.

I'm the type of person who my emotions are usually all over me OR I try to hide how I'm feeling.  I really don't know how to feel in November of 2020.  I know at this point of celebrating the holiday of Thanksgiving, I DO feel thankful.  Things can always be worse.  I can't help but look out at the country and feel a wave of sadness.  I look at my kids wearing masks out in public & feel heartbreak that this is the new normal. I feel devastation that it seems the drugs that my brother became addicted to & that led to his ultimate death are now being made less penalizing in some parts of our country.  I feel heartbreak that because my son went to football practice, he has basically been out of school for virtual learning for 3 weeks d/t direct contact with someone who tested positive for COVID (not that I don't think he should have to, just that it is what it is...).  I feel hopeless & helplessness to look out and see how people treat each other over differing opinions and beliefs & how they feel the need to lash out over EVERYTHING. 

But then I look at the little twinkle in my kids eyes, and I'm reminded everything will be & is okay. 

Somebody we know VERY well has the WHOLE WORLD in his hands.

I don't want to get all "basic" with referencing Joanna Gaines, but I like that lady.  She seems to be something special.  And while I'm surprised our society celebrates someone like her at this point (she goes to church), she always has a way of deeply tapping in to the best emotions through her social media posts and magazine articles.   Just this month, she put up a picture of herself as a little girl & said something along the lines of -if I ever feel lost, I look back to that little girl and find the purest form of who I am.

All to say, the world needs you to be who you are.

I thought about this...

Most people will tell you that you "find yourself" as you age.  While I see that perspective, I also think, in my personal experience that I've lost more of myself as I've aged.  I get so lost in achieving what I think "success" in a worldly standard is-that I forget what I'm really here for.  The simple things.  That robs us of a lot of joy.  I know I'm WAY more focused on superficial things because of the world we live in.

As a child, we are untainted by the worlds views & expectations.  Made only of God's creativity & I imagine fueled and fired to go with his purpose for our lives.  We know no other way to "be" than to be ourselves.  At the age of 7 and 5 (and let's even go so far as 1) my kids are still at those precious ages.  I have began to see Cam's friends rubbing off on him & he is starting to form a new sense of self based upon their thoughts and opinions & what they think is "cool."  He's been teased a couple times over this or that (as all kids are)- I remember those days, do you? And it is shaping what he thinks about all the things.  It makes me sad, but my prayer is that one day he can look back at 5 year old Cam and remember what a cool, unique, & amazing person God created him to be.  May we all be able to rummage through our parents things or our old scrapbooks & find an old picture (most that I've found aren't the best quality but they do the job!) to remember ourselves in our purest forms.

What mattered back then?  How did you see people back then?  Treat them?  How did you view God (if you knew of Him?). What respect did you have for older people?  What brought you joy?  What did you worry about? 

I think of my Conley.  PURE CONLEY.  And doesn't care.  Unashamed.  Other people are wild if they don't believe or think the way he does-but he listens interestingly to their thoughts and bops along unbothered by a difference.  Not to say that we should think anyone's weird, I hope you get what I am trying to say.  He doesn't care what other people think about him, he is proud of who HE IS.  He has no other knowledge or experiences to tell him otherwise at that point. He sees the world in black and white-it is what it is and he sees the best of the situations. The world needs more of our 5 year old selves minus the temper tantrums🙃.  More purest forms of who God made us to be before we let society get in & try to control & make us into what they want us to be.  

Remember who you are!  Remember who God created you to be and get back to living out that 5 year old self with God's person!

Go find a child & hang out with them for a minute or two for a new perspective and sense of self.  

It will do some good❤️

Much love,